I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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