is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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