he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It's blow job season.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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