i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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