Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I need moral support for this bender
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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