just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
