you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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