Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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