Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
