dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
