sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
