your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
