I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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