people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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