Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
