She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize