My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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