Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
