Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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