one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
