I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize