My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
