I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
This is my gift to your gina
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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