About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
