LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
