my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
