Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
