Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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