I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
