your parents love me but you hate me
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
