sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
