my phone needs a breathalizer
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
