sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
