i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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