oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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