DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
