just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
