The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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