u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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