so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
