Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
