remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
