i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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