so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize