it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
