he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
