My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
