twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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