i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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