I puked a lego.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
