We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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