I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
