i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
