Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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