did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
