i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
