I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Randomize
