Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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