Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
