Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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