We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
