My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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