i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
