i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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