My liver just broke up with me...
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
