Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
