Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
